Fluent Thoughts

I need to cry
I need my tears to come down fresh
I need them to be for this moment from this instant feeling
I need them not to be expired
I need them not to be from old memories
I need them not to be from past attempts
I need them to come down fresh
I need them to come down warm
I need them to come down warm to thaw the ice covering my heart
I need them not to be cold
to not shatter when it meets my burning soul
I need them to come down fresh
I need them flood and wash the hotness from my face
I need them to come down fresh
To wash the fears away
I need them to come down fresh
To wash the anger away
I need them to come down fresh
I need them to bring all the pain down
I need them to come down fresh
I need them to come down fresh
Just once and then they could go away again
I need them just once and they could never come back again
I need them to come down fresh just once
Once and never again
Just once

What is in my mind can’t be written. They are many thoughts that I have loaded my mind with. I have merged them to be one big thought. I would write it but if I start I will never finish writing, I will continue writing to an endless point. I will not write until this big thought becomes the many thoughts that could be written.

I know you don’t understand. I don’t understand too.

While watching a video clip for Abudlmajid Abdullah for his lately released song غنوا لحبيبي. I said to my self in a voice that could be heard by who is sitting near me: “I will do the same for my daughter”. “And where is she” my mom said “Someday she will come” I replied. My mom paused for a while and then said “When ever her father comes you kick him out of the door”. “Her father didn’t show yet and maybe he will never do”

A normal conversation that had became for some years now; When ever my mom finds the opportunity to start it she does. She always blames me for not getting married and having my own children. I admit that I share the responsibility of that and that I am a picky type yet it’s not my fault alone.

I have some conditions that I will never renounce but they are all for the good of my future family and life. What my family has as conditions is what I don’t understand.

“Family name”. It never matters how good the guy is, well educated, well behaved and good aims he had. It is always the family name that comes first.