Fluent Thoughts

“Is it worth it?” I would think before any attempt to talk.

When it’s a friend or my family it’s sometimes worth it.

According to the big space of the unawake part of my mind there was more to see than what I have seen; it wasn’t just a dream and wasn’t something that I forgot for a period of time, it was there yet in denial.

Should I ask what happened after or should I simply forget it ? Oops I mean deny it.

…….

A lovely thought
Flowers always bloom and eventually they will fade.

A Lovely event
A friend’s birthday; when the clown makes fun of your stammer.

A Lovely word
Relax and take a deep breath before you talk.

A lovely day
A gloomy day

…….

I trusted it
Although it was always
Shameful, harsh and disappointing

…….

في فينات هذا الزمان أخذت بغدره
فحكى الدهر في صفحاته ألم طفلة
فتح الكتاب و تقلبت صفحاته و أنمحى ما قد يكون في زمانها
ليكتب غير زمانها زمان

…….

Get sense
Do sense
Talk sense
Or die soon
…….

Have a splendid weekend all

As most of people with stammer do, I always work on my speech; the speech development is a non stop progress in my life; every time and a while I discover a new technique and stick to it until my brain gets the trick and refuses it.

One of the things that have always impressed me is reading the Qura’an; reading the Qura`an properly taking in consideration all of it’s TAJWEED signs (embellishment) is like using all of the techniques I have discovered and learned during my life; hence, I never stammer when reading the Qura’an loudly.

Related memory:

 Seven or eight years old I might have been when I first read Surah Taha; it is when I came across “قال رب اشرح لي صدري و يسر لي أمري و احلل عقدة من لساني يفقهوا قولي” (”(Moses) said:O my Lord! Expand me my breast; Ease my task for me; and remove the impediment from my speech, so they may understand what I say”). I got attached to it; and for some reason I thought it was meant for me; and that God have placed in the Quraan for me to encounter some day and take; I repeated it every day after every prayer and in every sajda (genuflection) and still do.

I remember during my teen years, I used to repeat it more frequently than I ever did; I remember weeping on my pillow and saying it again and again until I fall a sleep. Hard years they were.

Talk: to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking

I observe every speaker in the room watching their mouths move, their voices out reaching my ears; their vowels all clear and out with no blocks and no repetition.

Hmmm! how come they are not tired and not losing their breath when talking? How come they talk neat sentences and not thinking their words before saying them? How come they remember all those words and not think of which word to use?

I say words that have nothing to do with the subject for the sake of filling my sentence without stammering; I use the speech techniques all the time because if I rest I will start stammering and lose track of my words.

Talking fluently is the miracle that I have not been granted yet sometimes I thank God for making no rubbish come out of my mouth. 

I am a very strong woman, not as it seems in my blog; I have a leader personality since I was young. People who read my blog think that I’m a shy person for what I write through my posts, am absolutely not, I talk to people while looking them in the eye no matter who she/he was; I’m just sensitive.

I used to be quite when feeling that I will stammer or will be tensed and that will cause for my stammer. To get through this I’ve invented a game that I play from time to time it’s called, oh I still didn’t name it (will think of a name later);I play it two to three time a week; I call banks, companies, stores or any place that has a call center, I call and ask questions about their products, for the sake of talking in phone, every time I do that I have trembled hands, fast heart beatings and a strange feeling in my stomach; I say shut up stupid feelings and let me do this, I have nothing to lose, they might hang up on me, I will call again and make them regret it with my non stop questions  thankfully this didn’t happen yet

That was one thing; the other thing is I’ve quitted my first job but I didn’t leave without revenging, I made my Ex- Boss regret his bad attitude with me, and felt no guilt in that. I had a long vacation that I’ve spent with my family; and got a new job.

And there is this thing that I would like to tell, but will not tell now  it will be a surprise that you will know in 2007 hopefully